If I Could Write You a Song…

Dear Jesus,

Once upon a time I lay me down to sleep & whispered to you that I wanted you in my heart. You walked in my room, kissed my forehead and I fell asleep peacefully. The next 20 years are a blur of a fight over my heart. But today I give you my love song. Today I give you what I have in me to withhold what the angels call holy & glorious…you. I have yet to see you face to face in what my mind categorizes as ‘in the flesh’ but I know you to be the most dominant force in my heart. I’ve fallen, I’ve failed but you have picked me up when no one else saw, you have whispered secrets as I fell asleep looking around for a face but saw nothing but my tangible room still in place. I have asked for more, heard the stale sound of silence and then realized later that I had been transformed. I have had wealth, I have had nothing but both have left me with a deep longing in the depths of my soul for your fatherhood. I’ve longed to be taken care of. I’ve longed to feel your strength take over mine and melt into rest, knowing that my striving is over. I just didn’t realize that the process would hurt this deep.

Then I saw a tree, it was an old tree. It’s roots looked aged and withered as others were still deep in the river. I saw you standing there and with a gentle plea you asked if you could uproot. I mustered up a yes and looked away as the pull seemed to bring tension and distrust. You pulled, I screamed, you loved in patience. You pulled, I cried. You held my hand and talked me through the next step. You pulled harder and I felt helpless. Nowhere to drink, nowhere to set my roots and call home, nowhere to find rest. One by one you placed each of my roots into a new soil alongside a new body of water and it burned. But with your touch, I knew I would find satisfaction and trust. I felt weak but trusted. I felt poor in spirit but believed it wasn’t the end. Sobs grew louder as I realized they weren’t my own, they were yours. My eyebrows lifted in wonder as you wiped your face and said, “thank you.”

Every ounce of pain dissipated and love seeped into the places of deficiency. I knew in that moment that my heart touched a piece of yours that couldn’t do anything less than follow you all of my days no matter the cost or pain. I love you and I lift my voice to worship you, oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my king in what you hear. Let it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear. For my heart longs for you to find rest in me & that I may withhold the vastness of your presence.

Yours Truly